Tragedy and Mental Illness: 김종현. 사랑해.

Hey guys. I'm sure you will all forgive me. I was going to post about SF9 but in light of unfortunate events, I will be discussing something else instead. If you haven't heard by now or even if you aren't a fan of k-pop and don't even know who I will be talking about, I just ask that you listen.

December 18th, 2017 Kim Jonghyun of SHINee passed away in a reported yet unconfirmed suicide. Darkness rests in everyone and Jonghyun knew that. He was a huge advocate for those who couldn't voice things. He was a supporter of mental health awareness and homosexual rights. He believed in love for everyone. He always seemed like a bright star but everyone forgets that darkness even resided in him. We lost a bright star today and I ask we take a moment of silence to honor him.

Despite the fact that I don't identify as a Shawol (a fan of SHINee), I love their music. I love everything about SHINee and the members. So this tragedy hits everyone in the k-pop community hard. I once again want to speak about mental health on KAC. I've touched on this subject before but I want to raise further awareness especially because we have lost several inspiring personalities this year to suicide.

Mental illness is not something that most can readily talk about. It's especially hard when people just assume that you couldn't possibly have mental health problems because of someone's outward personality. Jonghyun for example always was bright, cheerful, and laughing. Yet here we are missing a brightness in the world because happy people don't kill themselves...yeah right. You don't even have to come from a shitty life to have mental illness. Take me for example. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I have a good life (not a perfect life but a good life). If you ever get the chance to meet me you will learn that while I am shy, I am a generally outgoing person. I love to talk about the things that mean the most to me, obviously otherwise KAC wouldn't exist. I have said that I have been struggling with depression for a while. When I first started struggling with it, I didn't even know that's what was going on. I knew nothing about it. I just remember that slowly I turned from the happy-go-lucky child who was always smiling and laughing to a dark introvert who didn't fully understand what was happening until I was older and someone explained it to me. When I was in middle school everyone said it was a phase. That I would grow out of it. That's the part that kills me. Mental illness isn't a way to get attention or just a phase. It is a real thing. Yeah I'm sure there are people who joke about it to be cool or something but to those of us who actually struggle, it is a very real thing that controls our every day and makes it hard to talk with someone about. I am not one to broadcast what is actually going with me but I think it is 100% necessary in light of recent events. I'll even make public one of my journal entries I wrote so you can see how real and scary my depression is.

Do you ever feel like life doesn't want you to be happy? Every day of my life. I'm sorry. That's what I can say first off. Not sure about much else but I can say for certain I am sorry. I am not happy. I haven't been for a while. Years even. Have I ever thought about ending it all? Several times. Have I ever tried? No but I came close once. Do I ever feel happy? I have good days and bad days. What was my most eye opening experience? The day I wished I had died because my failure brought shame to my family. Was that the first time I felt that way? No. Will I feel that way again? Probably. But I'm always cheerful and happy at work and on SNS...that's called acting. Hiding behind a facade. I'm very much broken inside and the worst part is no one understands. Even when they say they do. I wish I had people to talk to about this. But I don't. I'm scare. Save me. Please help. I'm drowning inside and I'm afraid. I don't want to feel like I don't belong anymore. me.
That was one of my darkest days. I have days where even if I am talking to someone it feels like I can never get my head above water. However I do have people I can turn to. Shoulders I can cry on. People who will cheer me up instead of shutting me down. So please. Know that everyone hurts and that each person deals with their mental illness in different ways. If it wasn't for you guys, I don't know if I would be as happy as I am right now. My friends and my readers mean the world to me and I know I have a place where I can voice my thoughts and not be judged.

In this dark time, treasure every moment with your loved ones.

I love you all.

Until next time.

Ja ne.

xx Kat

Update 12/18/2017

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