Fandoms: Serious Talk

안녕하새요! Wow! Kat is actually uploading again? Yes! Now like my last life update post, this is also going to get into a bit of serious territory. I am also throwing out a disclaimer: I am not attacking anyone in particular and I will be using a lot of PERSONAL examples. So please do not take any of this personally but also please know that I say a lot of this from the depths of my heart because I do not like how much hate goes around. Let's get into it.

What is a "true fan"?

This is thrown around a lot when it comes to being a fan of anything. People say "you are only a true fan if..." or "a true fan is..." but it is usually used when degrading a fan for not conforming to the social norm. For instance, I remember seeing someone getting heat from this fandom because they thought differently. Or, even, take me for example, I am a huge lover of BTS but I am not an ARMY. Someone may, and has tried, to argue that I am not a "true fan" because I don't call myself an ARMY. So, again I ask, what is a "true fan"? 

That is the thing...there is no such thing as an exact meaning because you are whatever kind of fan you want to be, not what others think you should be. Opinions are not fact and subjective (Definition of subjective: adjective - based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions). Simple as that. It really pisses me off when I see someone getting told off because they don't follow someone else's opinion of what a fan should or shouldn't do or be. 

I'm not calling out just k-pop fandoms either. I've been active on the internet since 2008. That was 11 years ago. I was 16 years old when I got my first social media accounts: YouTube, Twitter, MySpace, and Facebook. Those were the social media accounts I had. I was actually part of a huge fandom at that time which was one of the main reasons I was as active as I had been on social media back then. I know that I have touched on my anxieties and my depression, but one large factor of that is what happened to me in regards to bullies from my fandom. I've actually grown up since this happened, but I wanted to share my experience because the fandom I was once in (I'm actually part of a LOT of different fandoms because I am genuinely a fan of pretty much anything I get into) as I think that this story would help others learn why they shouldn't bully people for thinking differently or also remembering before you type that the person on the other side of the screen is an actual human being. 

If you have been around KAC long enough you know that I was in my worst state back in 2010-2012. My depression was at an all-time low and I was going through a lot. 2009 was the start of the actual bullying, 2010 was when I started to hide more of myself, 2011 was when I hit rock bottom, and 2012 was when I finally found myself. Now, I am sharing this and I have only ever shared this entire story privately. So by me sharing this, I hope you understand how passionate I actually am in my stance against bullying because this whole thing is actually bullying. While you may think you are "helping your fandom" by calling out the "fake" fans...you are actually bullying that person for not fitting into your mold. I may seem young to a lot of people and I may seem old to others, but this is my story and I wanted to share it. 

Let's go to the beginning. 2008-2009 I had an active Twitter account (I won't share the handle because you can still find some things related to it because I shared a lot of personal stuff there too). As I have previously mentioned (in a past blog post) I was a huge TwiHard. I had first read Twilight in 2005 or 2006 then in 2008 when the first film was released I began my "career" as a fan. I actually think you can still find a lot of my work I did out there (but again I won't share the handles associated because I don't want to pull myself back into that world). Now, as you are aware, I absolutely love to write...of course I do...otherwise I wouldn't be a blogger who writes long ass posts. Well one way that I discovered to practice my skills was to write fanfiction. And Twilight fanfiction was HUGE at the time (several of my friends back then - they don't even remember me sadly - are now published authors). So I tried my hand and grew a following. My original fanfiction account was actually pretty popular...but then I started to receive hatred. Remember I was only 16 or 17 at the time. I had people who hated on me because they said I was attention-seeking or I was childish (again..I was still a child at the time). Mind you, these people who were harassing me are all older than me by like several years. That was the thing about this fandom was that the age range was extremely wide. You had people younger than me, around my age, or drastically older than me. 

Now, the shittiest thing about these women who came at me...I thought they were my friends. So needless to say, after years of walking on eggshells I finally decided to stop what I was doing with that Twitter account and that fanfiction profile. I closed the doors on the Twitter account and stopped working on that account and those stories. 2010 rolls around and I have a new Twitter account and I have gone back to doing what I love. I had created a new persona for myself. Especially because I was sharing my own personal writings and not just fanfiction. Little did I know that deleting that old profile wouldn't delete the bullies. Somehow I thought that they had forgotten about their bullying or I was naive enough to believe that shedding the original persona and taking on my own persona I would be able to work with them again and build our friendship again. 

Now that is what you could call truly childish thinking. They found out who I was and came at me again. I actually wound up blocking most of them and withdrawing within myself. My accounts became private and I no longer wanted anything to do with them. I only focused on the people who truly cared about me. It is truly sad because if I hadn't been bullied...where would I have been. So many of my friends from back then are authors or media personalities...would I have followed in their footsteps? Would I have the same personality as I do now? Would I be so withdrawn? Would I have been more adventurous and willing to take risks? Would I have found my new world? So many what ifs...but the thing is...I was bullied. I have so much trauma from this. I am actually very sensitive to these types of things and I find it harder to open up to people. Like I still actively flinch if I think I've irritated someone and then I become withdrawn and I cannot find it in myself to not react that way. 

Over the last seven years though I think I have gotten better, I'm not 100% yet, but I am a lot more open than I used to be. I am a bit more willing to speak my mind but I'm a pretty neutral person. I don't like conflict so I try to stay out of it. In all honesty, the few times you have seen me speak out about something is usually when it has either personally affected me or if it has affected someone close to me. The reason I am calling this "true fan" thing in fandoms now is because I am so fucking tired of seeing hate on the internet. These worlds were gifted to us and we all find joy within them so why do we have to hate on those who share the same love as us. Yeah we don't all think the same, but we aren't all the same person. What kind of fucked up dystopian world do you want to live in where everyone is forced to think and feel the same way? I want to live in a world where we are all free to feel, love, think, do, and just exist the way we want to without having to be judged or hated for it. We don't need to condemn others for not being the same as us. Think of the other person. Think to yourself, how would you feel if you were told the same thing you are about to say, before you say it. Also, if you see someone being attacked, please for the love of God, do not join in on the hatred. If you know the person, please reach out to them and make sure they are okay. No one reached out to me. No one made sure I was okay. Hell I never let anyone know it was happening. I hid it from those who would have helped me. But it was there for everyone to see what was happening. It hurts and I wish in the end that someone had saved me from them and myself. 

Well, this has turned into an anti-bullying rant, but please, please, please, take these words and think about them. I know I'm not a large online creator and I will probably only have like 6 people read this, but even those 6 people can make a small difference if they just be kind. So realize that being a fan doesn't have to be a bad thing and that there is NO SUCH THING AS A TRUE FAN. All fans are equal and we all love the same thing so back off.

That's all I have for this time. Sorry that I hit you guys with two heavy posts in a row. I really didn't mean to...I just grew tired of the hatred I was seeing on Twitter again and I think it triggered some sort of PTSD in me. Until next time. 

Ja ne! 

xx Kat

=^.^=