Sincerity - Exposing the Dark Side of KAC

Hey guys. I am so very sorry about this blog post. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. It really doesn't have anything to do with anime or k-pop but it is just to explain what has been going on in my life to affect KAC. First off, I would like to sincerely apologize for being a bad blog mom. It's one thing after another in my life and I am unfortunately letting it affect my blog.

I don't know if you know or not, if you read my "about me" blog post (you can check it out here: link) then you know, but I suffer from severe anxiety and depression problems. I know that I should probably be on medication for it because it is that bad, but I hate taking medication and usually forget (when I catch a cold it is a real struggle to actually remember to take my pills). So my anxiety and depression are completely unmanaged which means the smallest amount of stress in my life sends me into a tailspin. Hence, why I am at this point today.

I like to pretend that I am okay and I have everything figure out but those who are closest to me can tell I am putting on an act and pretending to be happy when I'm truly not. Now that isn't to say that there aren't good things that make me happy in my life, I have as many good days as I have bad days...but lately my bad days outweigh my good days. One of the reasons I have been only writing about KoreaBox and my Korean Break series is because I am struggling to find happiness in anything else.

Sunny over at KoreaBox is a highlight of my day. Each letter she writes and each conversation we have makes me feel happy and like I can let my stress fall off for a small moment. Same with my Korean Break series. I get so much joy and pleasure out of immersing myself in each of the groups for each post that I can forget my problems for a time.

I try really hard for you guys and I only want to share the best of me but I sometimes need to show you my worst so I can explain myself clearly as to why I am lacking.

As you know at the end of 2015 my paternal grandfather passed away rather suddenly and it shook our entire family. My parents had gone down to Georgia to help my grandmother and attend his funeral while my sisters and I remained here. My sisters took his death really hard because they had actually met him in person, I never got the chance to meet him. Since my parents were gone, I had to play the role of the stable big sister to my heartbroken younger sisters. I never really got the chance to mourn. I actually broke down crying twice in public when I was out with my aunts. (Side note: I freaked everyone out when I did that because I am not one who cries around others) So essentially all those feelings that were welling up never actually were vented.

Then I was stressing out because I was going to Georgia and Florida in May of 2016 which meant that work was shitty because my boss at the time was not ready for me to go on a 2 week vacation and so work was super stressful. Plus I've never talked about it before but I really hate being in the car, especially for long periods of time. A good portion of the time I will just sleep in the car while listening to music, but when I'm awake I feel so very uncomfortable. Now we drove all the way from Minnesota to Georgia...that is a long ass drive for the record. So that was a stress in and of itself. Plus we left the dogs with a family friend while we were gone. I was not happy about that because my dogs are my safety blanket.

When I returned from Georgia my boss wound up being restricted from working for almost a month due to stress (go figure) and I was the acting manager at that time which meant that my life became a million times more stressful. By this time my sister had asked if I would move into an apartment with her because she wanted to have her own place to live. I agreed because I'm a pushover for my sister. I said yes even though I wasn't 100% ready. I'm not a big fan of change. It scares the ever loving shit out of me and causing me to have severe panic attacks.

So finally in September we moved, but just before that I made a huge life change that I probably shouldn't have while I was planning to move. I got a new job. So I was changing my job, changing my home living status, and changing my life. Then my sister drops of bomb on me and says that her boyfriend will be moving in with us. Again, I don't handle change very well. I get along just fine with her boyfriend but at the time we were moving in I was very uncomfortable because I had only met him a few times. I am not a social person, part of my anxiety problems is that I have really bad social anxiety. I don't like to be in any social situation especially not by myself. So being forced to live with a person I barely knew was really hard for me.

Eventually I was settled in. At the end of 2016, my paternal grandmother was diagnosed with a similar illness that my grandfather passed away from. She is doing good, it was just very concerning at the end of the year because there was talk of her needing to have surgery and it was just scary. Luckily she didn't need surgery, but it was very scary to have to wait and wait and not know whether she is okay or not. Around that same time, my sister dropped a huge announcement on us, that her and her boyfriend were expecting their first child. So that was another added stress because we don't have the apartment space for four people and then there was talks of my sister and her boyfriend finding their own place which would leave me with an apartment I can't afford. I begrudgingly had to agree to my parents demands that I move back home. And there is another stressor.

Now we are still working out the logistics of when I will actually move back to my parents' house and  there is a lot of stress at work because we are short a doctor temporarily and everyone is on edge which puts me on edge which triggers my anxiety. And now most days I am so stressed that I just don't even want to get out of bed on my days off. I just have no motivation to do anything. I hate myself on these days which causes my depression to create even darker thoughts in my head making it even harder to get out of bed. So essentially life is fucking stupid and I need to find more good in life to make it a little easier.

Long story short, I have been super stressed and trying to plan out the more extravagant blog posts like I used to write are just too hard for me to do right now. So please be patient with me and I hope that you can understand that I really do love you guys. You read everything I write and make it worth it. I've made so many friends over the last 3 years that I can find just enough motivation to continue to write for KAC. So again, I ask that you please give me time to sort out my life before I bring you the content you deserve.

Thank you for always being there for me.

xx Kat

Oh and to lighten the mood of this post bit, here are the promised photoshoot picture of my new hats from KoreaBox as well as some selfies I took while writing my blog posts!


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